Why Can't I Sleep Anymore?

I sat down here about 3 hours ago with the intention of writing something new, I've been doing this alot recently, it's something new for me. I used to have to write things out and then come back to them later before I'd even think about sharing it with others. Hell the first thing I ever wrote on this page o mine was written in January of 2004.

Anyways, I've been doing alot of "Stream of Conscience" type writing. Just let whatever comes to mind go straight to page. It's really cool for me because I don't know what's gonna be written or anything. Most of the time I know that it's not gonna be a happy topic because I can't write happy stuff. I've tried but it just doesn't happen. I've been told I'm funny and all, but me in writing can't hold a candle to me in person. As anybody who has carried on a conversation with me can attest to, it's all about the delivery.

I made the mistake of watching "Almost Famous" before trying to go to bed yesterday. I have no idea what I was thinking, I've told myself a million times not to. Cause all that happens is that i just end up staying up all night long thinking "Self, this movie bums you out to beat hell, yet you keep watching. Dude what are you thinking?" It's not like it's a sad movie but...I don't know. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's just me.

I've been also thinkin alot about something my brother told me after he came out of the hospital. He doesn't remember anything about his ordeal (In telling his story I've had to type the word "Seizure" about a million times in the past week and I'm really tired of it. From here on in, it's now called his ordeal) so he's been piecing things together from what we've told him. He had no clue that he stopped breathing so that came as a bit of a shock to him, but after a minute the surprise wore off his face. This was a little startling because if anybody tells me that I stopped breathing, I'm gonna hit the proverbial roof. He, on the other hand took it in stride. I was like "Dude, what the hell?" He then went on to tell me that he saw the whole light at the end of the tunnel and all that jazz. At first I thought he was kiddin, cause that's what he does. Not this time. He went on to describe in detail that he carried on a conversation with some Angels and they told him that it wasn't his time and that he should go back and finish what he started. Yeah, I was like, "Great googamooga!" I was waitin for a smile to break across his face and for him to go "Gotcha". It never happened. Things like this also keep a guy awake at night. In my last post I tried to think of a way to write about it, but I found it hard to deal with. The closest I could come was write a thank you note in the first letter or every line. Now I know that whoever reads this is gonna be scrollin down right about now to verify this so I'll give you some time to do so

Ready yet?

How bout now?

Got it?

Good.

Kinda explains what that makes absolutely no sense now doesn't it? It didn't turn out quite the way I thought it would. Which I guess is a good thing. They say that variety is the spice of life. Me? I was always happy with Cinnamin as my spice but, what do I know? I'm sittin here at 12:31 in the morning talkin to myself as I'm typing this out.

That's about it for now. Maybe now I can get some sleep. I wouldn't bank on it though

Just Look Harder

There seems to be this little thing
Here on earth called life
And if you look hard enough inside
Now and forever
Know that you'll never be alone

Yes indeed it's hard to look in
Or it just may seem that you cannot win
Unless you've already given in

Although it may seem I'm rambling
Never may you trouble your mind with that
Go on and live in peace my friends
Even though you may not believe this
Lost as though I may be
Soon it will all be apparent

That's Something I Hope I Never Have To Relive

Normally I save this page of mine for any poems or songs that I think up and need to keep a record of. Today things are going to be a little different.

I saw the scariest thing of my life today. Check that, I saw it 3 times. My best friend in the entire world (Who also just happens to be my brother) went into a seizure right in front of me. No warnings, just BOOM. This isn't a first time thing. He's had three of them before but this was the first one I had seen and had to deal with. I called 911 and got an ambulance over to the house and rolled my brother over to prevent him from chocking on his own blood and spit and waited in horror as the paramedics seemingly took forever to arrive. When they did they took his pulse and blood pressure and all that stuff and took him to the hospital. I was the only one in the house as all this was going on and I got to tell you it damn near traumatized me. But I then snapped back to reality and realized that my brother had just gotten married and his wife (The one who called me to his room to call 911 and seemingly to take charge of the situation) was in hysterics and there were his 2 stepchildren to take care of as well. The wife rode in the ambulance and I drove. Somehow I got to the hospital and drove around looking for a parking lot and still made it in before the ambulance did. After doing a CAT scan and detecting nothing amiss the nurses (Yes you read that right) discharged him from the hospital at around 3.

I made it home before my brother once again and sat down to rest (I've been awake since 6:15. The first seizure took place at 9) and once again my brother went into seizure. This time I was the only one in the house and again I called 911 and got an ambulance to the house. This time my brother stopped breathing before my eyes and I had to open his mouth and pull his toungue out from the back his thoat. I got bit in the process (The mark is still there) but I didn't and still don't care about that. Once again my brother was loaded up and taken away. This time I didn't follow because I was furious that he was discharged in the first place. I made it to the hospital around 8 after I had calmed down enough to not hit the first doctor I saw. After an hour of coherent conversation, again my brother had another seizure. While on an anti seizure drip no less. All while this was happening we were waiting on a seizure specialist to show up that was to arrive at 5 or so. At 11:15 the doctor arrived and laid it out like all was fine and dandy and that she wasn't late or anything. I coulda shot her. Right now my brother is to be on his way to the 5th floor ICU of BGH. It only took 3 seizures, 3 near deaths and 1 extremely scared and pissed of little brother but apparently he is going to be fine.

I'm not sure why I am writing this all down. I don't want it to come off as a "Look what I did" story cause I didn't really do squat. All I really know is that I saw the worst thing I could possibly see in my entire life today and if I live the rest of my life and never see my brother laid up on a stretcher with IV tubes comin out of his arms and an oxygen mask over his head ever again, I'll consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the planet.